Memoirs of the Fangirl Hunters
by huntress-callisto
Summary: When poor Legolas is getting overrun by fangirls again, who do you call? The Fangirl Hunters.  Odd, funny stories about girls who go to different worlds catching fangirls and battling MarySues.  Mostly takes place in ME. Rating due to swearing. R&R please
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is a series of little stories about a group of girls who fall through different dimensions hunting fangirls and Mary-Sues. Written mostly for my own amusement, most characters are based on people I know. I hope you find it amusing, and if you don't, then that's your problem. However, if you have constructive criticism or simply enjoy the story, please leave a review.

P.S. Crystal's lump of metal is a laptop computer

I only own the Hunters, nothing else

Muchos Gracias, huntress-callisto

Legolas Thranduillion looked around in astonishment. He had simply been standing in Rohan, looking out after the uruk-hai, when suddenly he was surrounded by girls. He was rather startled by them, as he had never seen anyone who looked like them, in all his millennia in Arda. Though they were all of the Edain, many had hair of odd colors, and strange rings in their ears. They were dressed oddly too, in bright colored clothing and odd stiff breeches. They all had very squeaky voices, as he found out in a second.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!! It's LEGGIE!!!!" one screamed, and they all rushed towards him, screaming and giggling. They surrounded him completely, and he could barely shake them off and began running. Somewhere behind him he could hear Gimli laughing his head off.

He ran straight towards a gap in some rocks, thinking he could hide behind them and shake the girls off, when he spotted more girls walking towards them. Though they were also of the Edain, and looked rather odd, they did not have the maniacal gleam in their eyes. The first girl, who was short, with brown hair and was dressed in the sort of edain clothes he was used too, spoke to him.

"They're right behind you, aren't they?" Her voice was rough, and had a slight accent to it, rather like that of the Edain of Middle-Earth. In reaction to his quizzical glance, she explained. "Ann Burton, of Take-your-pick. It's our job to catch them. Now if you don't mind, Kate" A tall girl with bronze skin and dark hair looked up "Plan See." (1) The tall girl nodded and walked up to Legolas.

"Kate Yeda." She said, in a gentle but firm voice. "Please stand back here so we can catch them."

Legolas followed her instructions, standing at the back end of the gully. He had no idea what was going to happen, nor who or what in Ea these girls were.

The original pack of crazed girls ran up the gully. Many were panting and did not seem to be in very good shape. As they panted, limped and ran (in the case of the stronger ones) up the gully, the other girls stood up from where they had hidden on either side, and threw a silver net over them.

The effect was instantaneous. With a variety of small pops, sizzles and thumps, the girls disappeared.

Ann stood up again, and turned to a round-faced girl with slanted almond eyes and black hair.

"Crystal, I think there's something wrong with the portal net. It's making noises again."

The girl named Crystal nodded wearily, and continued fiddling with a small thing made of metal, pressing odd bumps and attaching cords to a necklace with another metal lump stuck to it.

"I'll deal with it in a sec, Ann. I just have to fix this Sue-locator." Suddenly, the necklace began to give off odd beeps. "That's **strange**." Crystal remarked. "This thing is going haywire. Either it's completely broken or---"

"Or there's a Sue over the top of the next hill." Put in Kate, as everyone wheeled around.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNN!

Everyone could practically hear the cheesy music as a beautiful woman ran lightly yet gracefully over the rocks, somehow managing to not break her ankles in her high heels.

Legolas gasped. It was the love of his life, Taragillaselde! He felt his breathing quicken at the sight of her lilac eyes, her flowing red hair her----

"ANNN! Canon!!!!" yelled one of the girls, and Ann opened her mouth and obliged.

"Legolas Greenleaf, long under tree, in joy thou hast lived beware of the sea. For when thou hearest the cries of the gulls on the shore, thine heart shall not rest in the woods anymore." As she recited the poem, his resolve that this was Taragillaselde, love of his life, began to waver. Had he even ever met her? Wait of course he had---you get the idea. Ann began to recite more canon as the Sue appeared to begin melting. "I sang of leaves, of leaves of gold, and leaves of gold there grew" the girls were advancing on the Sue now, following their leader, who had pulled a copy of the Fellowship of the Ring from her belt. "Of wind I sang, a wind that came and in the branches blew." She hurled the book at Taragillaselde. "Beyond the sun, beyond the moon, the foam was on the sea." The sue fell back at the force of the blow, and her stomach where the book had hit her turned transparent. "And by the strand of Ilmarin, there grew a golden tree."

She had dissolved. Ann walked over and picked up her book, as a chubby girl with brown hair and freckles remarked.

"Ann, your canon memory is impressive, but you still can't sing."

Ann rolled her eyes as Crystal fiddled with her metal lump, cords and the silver net again. The other girls in the troupe began spreading the net out and held the edges.

"Laurel, I'd have let you sing instead, as we all acknowledge your prowess in that topic, except you don't know the different between Gandalf and Galadriel."

It was Laurel's turn to roll her eyes as they all jumped onto the net, and, still arguing, disappeared.

Legolas turned to see Aragorn looking at him strangely.

"What in Ea was that all about?" he asked looking puzzled. The elf shrugged, and they began once again to chase after the Uruk-hai, Gimli still laughing at the fangirl's treatment of Legolas.

The elf simply shrugged and said, still rather unnerved by it all "I have no idea."

This is just a basis, I'll introduce the different members of the team next chapter. Sorry if there is a long time between updates, as my parents don't approve of fanfiction and thus my time is limited.

(1) This is actually supposed to be the letter 'C', but Legolas doesn't know our alphabet, so I wrote it phoenetically


	2. A meeting on Earth

I own nothing. This chapter is more explanatory than normal. Enjoy

The FGH'S (for lack of a better name, and the fact that they were more interested in doing their job than sounding snazzy), landed in Ann's backyard after the Taragillaselde incident. They all immediately began to do pull out notebooks and pens and cell phones from their toolbelts, and started checking up on their assigned worlds. Each girl had been given a world that they were in charge of, and for some of the more complex worlds, there were actually small subgroups that worked apart from them, and were only commanded by members of the FGHs.

Ann rolled her eyes and pulled a whistle from her toolbelt. This was the only thing standard about the dress of the FGH's, they each had thick belts stuffed with knives, whistles, pages of canon texts, cell phones, locators and various other things. Crystal, as technology master, had a belt full of oscillascopes and voltimeters, bits of wire and tools.

Ann blew her whistle, and silence fell.

"RIGHT!" she yelled. "Commencing meeting! Crystal, how are we with all technology?"

Crystal continued poking the net with her voltimeter, and squatted back on her haunches.

"I've fixed the problem. Now all I need are the coordinates and world of the next target."

"Ok, well, Lord of the Rings has a few minor Sue incidents, but they all have been planted with trackers and we can deal with them later. Kate, you're next."

"Some SarahCal shippers have escaped into Peeps."

Ann sighed. "That's the second time this week! Tell Alyssa to read the bits where Sarah gets mad at Cal, and where Cal kisses Lace. That should clear them up."

"Right." Kate dialed an extension into her cell phone, and the punched Alyssa's number. Crystal had managed to fix their phones so they could call other worlds, which was a lifesaver. However, the fees were OBNOXIOUS.

"Trisha?"

A pretty Indian girl with double ear piercings raised her head.

" Five more Will's sister Sues in this week! Zoe's been working overtime for ages now!"

"Hmm…. Alexandra is on the list for Pirates too….call her in and get her to help Zoe. Yes, I know her specialties are Harry Potter and Jack Sparrow, but we need everyone we can get." Trisha nodded, and texted the contact in question.

"Eliza?"

"Still that one fucking Sue---"

"LANGUAGE!"

"Yeah, yeah, Ann. But I've got someone on her, so nothing we need to worry about."

"Laurel?"

"Some weird multi-powered Sue in The Circle Opens. Aparently—" she scrolled through her text message "She has grey eyes, brown hair, and caramel skin..."

"Enough, we'll get to her. Logic masters?"

Two tiny girls near the back who had been stuffing their faces with food and somehow managing to argue at the same time, started and began to try to swallow their mouthfuls of cake. Ann rolled her eyes. "Honestly, and you guys laughed when I called them hobbits…"

One of the girls had cleared her mouth enough to speak "we're working on new ways to combine Canon with logic to more effectively combat Mary-Sues---"

A loud strain of what sounded like battle soundtracks was issuing from Ann's phone. They all jumped, knowing that that ringtone was only used for a serious emergency. Ann picked up her phone, read the next message, and jumped to her feet.

"Come on girls, a bunch of Aragorn fangirls and AragornOC Sues have gate-crashed Aragorn and Arwen's wedding. Honestly, if there's a non-slash ship I can't stand it's Aragorn OC. Come on, we'd better get there."

Crystal had been programming the coordinates of Minas Tirith at that time into the net, and they all jumped in and vanished.

Here are all the FGH's and their jobs, just to make life easier:

Ann-leader, logistics manager and in charge of Canon in Lord of the Rings and various other less important worlds

Crystal-technology master, and in charge of Canon for various anime worlds and the Twilight series

Trisha- Canon master for Pirates of the Carribean

Eliza-Canon master for various TV shows, mostly along for her comic relief

Beth and Per- Logic masters, constantly arguing, and Beth and Crystal are kinda enemies…

Kate- Canon master for Avatar, Harry Potter and Scott Westerfeld books

Laurel- Canon master for Tamora Pierce, loosens enchantments caused by Sues by out-singing them

Next time- the battle at Aragorn's wedding! Sorry if there's a delay, see previous note


	3. Profanity and teddy bears at minas tirit

A/N: I know Ann said in the last chapter that she didn't like slash, as well as AragornOC fics. She is not a homophobe, nor is she discriminated about certain pairings. It is simply that her job is to preserve Canon, and she doesn't like characters to act in ways they wouldn't. In her mind, Aragorn and Arwen are meant for each other (as specified by J. R. R. Tolkein) and nothing should interfere with that.

Disclaimer: I own nothing except chaos.

After the FGH's landed in Minas Tirith, they immediately all fell over. The place was in complete chaos. All the attendants of the wedding were fleeing, and trampling the grass and the pretty flowers in the process.

The situation was pretty serious. Aragorn was cowering, crown slipped over one eye, as a couple of fangirls and Sues had cornered him and Arwen at the top of the stairs. Luckily Arwen had enough foresight (literally) to bring her sword to the wedding, and was now fighting two at once.

The FGH's ran at the top dais, pulling out coils of ropes and varied weapons (including a couple of sai and a pair of pliers) from their belts. Crystal hit a fangirl over the head with a Phillips screwdriver, and she toppled backward into the portal net.

"Tug ceredir!" was Trisha's exclamation of choice, and a nearby elf looked astonished at the dirty state of her mouth.

Eliza, who was fighting a Mary-Sue yelled

"POCKET-NINJAAAAAAAAA!!" with all her might, and pushed a black felt star-fishy thing into the Sue's appallingly flawless face. She toppled on top of Par, who tied her up quickly and shoved her into the net. She vanished.

"Ann, we're in serious need of Canon here!!" Laurel chided, as she shoved her backpack full of music stands and her flute into the muscular and flat stomach of yet another Sue. "What did Tolkein say about this day?"

"Well…" breathed Ann, as she punched a Sue in the cute button nose. "There's our first problem….."

"FIRST!!!" Trisha yelled, kicking a tall fangirl in her chin, to the girls' astonishment. Clearly she'd never met a dancer before. "Ann, incase you HAVEN'T noticed, we're outnumbered about 3:1 here!!!!"

"Yes, well, this is something that annoys me more than a few Sues. In 1008 pages, not counting appendixes, this event gets ONE BLOODY LINE! 'And Aragorn the King Elessar wedded Arwen Undomiel in the City of the Kings upon the day of Midsummer, and the tale of their long waiting and labours was come to fulfilment' ONE LINE!!!!! THE REMAINING HISTORY OF GONDOR IN 32 WORDS!!!!!!"

Ann stopped ranting noticing that everybody was staring at her, but when they all noticed she had seen them they immediately turned to the nearest person and started fighting. Still, the one line of Canon had changed things. All the remaining Sues had vanished when she said 'wedded Arwen Undomiel', and though the fangirls remained, they were not so annoying. With the help of the net, and a judicious use of Trisha's dancer skillz and Beth's swim bag, they were all dealt with.

After the last one had disappeared, a stressed looking Legolas, a terrifying Arwen who seemed to think that the FGH's were going to steal Aragorn too, and the King himself, (still looking ridiculous), approached the girls. He hadn't yet thought to straighten his crown, nor wipe away the bright purple lipstick where one of the fangirls had managed to slip past Arwen and kiss him.

Legolas looked at the girls in confusion for a bit, before remarking:

"I never thanked you for saving me in Rohan."

The girls reaction to this statement was a mingled one. Most replied with a curt nod, though Trisha and Kate both had to retain an attack of the giggles. Ann rolled her eyes at them, and Crystal stomped on both their feet. Both were borderline Legolas/Will Turner fangirls. (1) Despite this, they were an excellent addition to the group and simply required a good slap every once in a while.

Beth rolled her eyes too, and said quite loudly: "Remember the Teddy-bear." Many of the girls burst out laughing, while the Ardaians looked confused.

Ann decided to take pity on them and explain. "Sorry if there is something you don't understand. We're from a different world, and it's our job to make sure things like this----" she gestured at the mess of the wedding "don't escalate. As for the teddy-bear, it is a variety of toy given to small children. However in this context, it is a nickname for the boy Trisha is courting."

Legolas nodded and gave a small smile at the joke, and Arwen looked relieved at the fact that none of them had tried to run at Aragorn yet. The last of the three was rubbing the lipstick off his cheek, as Laurel had taken pity on him and given him a small mirror.

Crystal went up to Ann and pulled on her sleeve.

"We should go soon, I've got the memory bomb ready…"

Ann nodded, and did a quick headcount of the group.

"Where are Laurel and Beth and Par?" Her question was answered by the brown-haired girl dragging the two smaller girls towards them. Both of their pockets and cheeks were bulging.

Ann and Legolas simultaneous raised an eyebrow. This of course sent Trisha back into a fit of the giggles, which everyone ignored, for the sake of his or her own sanity.

Legolas leaned towards Kate, who was closest to him in height, and asked "Do those two have any hobbit blood, by any chance?"

Kate shrugged. "Quite possibly. We always used to laugh at Ann when she called the two of them hobbits, but now that we've actually MET some hobbits, they are remarkable similar. More sarcastic by far, though."

"Ann, though she is closer in size to a hobbit, seems to me more like the Eldar—"

"Got to go, other things to deal with. You two-" she glared at Beth and Par "need to stop stealing food from wherever we go. Crystal, the bomb."

All the girls lept onto the net, as Crystal threw a small, gold blob at Legolas's feet. It sat there as they vanished, and then imploded….Leaving the canon characters confused, and with a rather enlarged vocabularity of profanity. And an enraged Arwen, who wanted to know where the guests had gone, and was perfectly prepared to use her new-found language---

"What the FUCK happened?"

Ah, there she goes….Oh well, you can't have teenage girls popping into different worlds without leaving something behind.

though I am following Book canon, I have kept the people basically looking the way they did in the film, unless I have a serious objection to the film version.

I.e, Boromir and Faramir are supposed to have dark hair, not blonde, etc.

I will let you figure out what tug ceredir is yourself. Know that it is Sindarin, not entirely polite, and has a circumflex over one of the 'e's but I'm too lazy to put it in.

REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!!!

If you want to see pictures of the FGH's, post a review saying so with your email, and I will send you them.

Thanks


	4. Of Sues and knots and colds

Chapter 4. A Sue is a….

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Par: Except for Valydraemira and any other Sues or fangirls or some such thing….

"ACHOOOO!!"

As one being, the FGH's rolled their eyes.

And Beth and Par snorted.

And a mysterious pair of crystalline honey eyes looking pityingly down at the small girl.

Ann, who had sneezed, just glared at all of them before sitting on Laurel's bed. They had met at her house for the new member training, along with their prey.

Yes, the FGH's had brought a Sue back from Middle-Earth for training day. Her name was Valydraemira, which she had claimed meant "All-powerful-dragon-like-beauty" before they gagged her. The FGH's called her Voldy.

"I swear I'm allergic to dimension-hopping. I've had this cold ever since I got this job." Ann mumbled.

"You could always retire and spend your days cooking us those cookies your mom makes…" Par suggested.

"NO." was the community response. Par just looked at Beth, who shrugged back at her. Trisha, in response to Ann's congested hand gestures, handed her a list on a piece of paper.

"Here are the new applicants. I've told them to wait outside."

"Bring them in, will you?"

Trisha nodded and exited to fetch a few girls. Mostly they were old schoolmates or friends of the FGH's. Ann murmured to them in an informative manner as she saw them.

"Hey, Emily nice to see you again…can still do the matrix move?...good, sues don't like things like that…ok…you can help Laurel with Tamora Pierce…hey, meaghan, nice to see you… take over Scott Westerfeld from Kate?... she's got Harry Potter too, and that's too much stuff… sorry, Elizabeth, we don't need a cartoon person…Alison, there aren't enough fangirls in there right now, but we'll call you if we need you…." And on, and on. By the time Ann had finished with her muttering, they had 2 new recruits. Emily, a singer and frenemy (1) of Laurel's as well as Meaghan, who was basically the equivalent of a human teddy bear, but a great reader. Trisha, who had been the first to notice that Ann was done, alerted the other girls. All were used to their leader's occasionally rambling brain, and were well equipped. Par had been practicing handstands, Beth sleeping, Trisha stretching, Laurel singing cords, and Crystal writing binomial expansions. What can you say, she was a nerd. Voldy was trying to escape, but she had been shoved into the secret compartment under Laurel's bed, and couldn't get out.

Now that they were actually doing something, the girls split up. A bunch of them went into the yard to teach Meaghan basic fighting techniques and Sue-proof knots, while Crystal showed Emily how to work her multi-dimensional cell phone, and not have a bill that weighed as much as Par by the end of the month. Then they all dragged Voldy out of her hiding place for the Sue-lesson.

Kate was lecturing.

"This is a Sue. As you can tell, she basically undermines all the laws of nature and physics to be the hideous being that she is—" Insert a Sue trying to glare and look imposing while her hair floats around making outlines of little butterflies---"Sues are recognizable by the signature oversized chest" Another glare "hair that cascades, pours, shimmers, floats and waves simultaneously, while also remaining untangled and unfrizzy. Also signature are the _completely natural _yet totally impossible highlights. Sues are rarely content with normal colored eyes, so they either change color so fast they'll make you sick (an effective Sue-weapon is to hold a mirror up to their face. Either they'll become sick at the color their eyes are changing or they'll be so enamored with their reflection that they won't do anything) or they'll be an impossible color. If their eyes are normal colored, they will have little words floating around them saying 'sky' or 'cinnamon' or 'rich dark cacao from the furthest reaches of the world' even though there's no chocolate in Middle-Earth. We must stop them so that they do not fill our favorite works of art with overly emphasized bosoms, anorexic figures and nauseating perfection. Comprende?"

Both recruits nodded, and Eliza grinned her signature sly smile.

"Great, because we're going into the field now. Just as soon as Ann dispatches with this one?"

"Then, Eowyn of Rohan, I say that you are beautiful. In the valleys of our hills there are flowers fair and bright, and maidens fairer still; but neither flower nor lady have I seen till now in Gondor so lovely and so sorrowful."

Voldy, who was a FaramirOC, disappeared. Crystal unfolded the net, and the FGH's steered the recruits onto it. The world went dark, and when they emerged it was into a pastoral countryside with little houses set into the hills.

"Welcome, my fellow comrades, to Hobbiton!"

(1) Friend/enemy. Crystal and beth basically invented this word with their numerous bets and accusations. But that's a story for another time….Hey, maybe I should have "FGH story night"


End file.
